If you mess up, fess up
We’ve all been there: we think we’re doing alright and then someone – a friend, a partner, a line manager, a stakeholder – points out that we made a mistake. What we do next says a lot about us.
The first impulse may be to defend ourselves. Maybe we justify what we did or even deny that we made a mistake at all. Being defensive can show as anger and that can lead to “shooting the messenger”: reversing the blame and launching into absolute statements about how the other “always” gets “everything” wrong. Cue a major conflict. So how about taking a deep breath, take courage and admit that we made a mistake, without hedging, mitigation and evasiveness? No “I may have been wrong”, “it perhaps wasn’t ideal” or the like, just a simple “True, I made a mistake there”. If the person you’re talking to has been negatively affected by your mistake, add a straightforward apology and a promise to get it right next time. (Linguists have done a lot of work on apologies, so I’ll leave that for another blog post.)
Why is it so hard to admit we were wrong? A lot of it depends on framing, that is, how we think and talk about mistakes. At a workplace where mistakes are seen as failures, people will certainly not learn from them but feel threatened every time someone tells them they did something wrong. Framing mistakes as lessons is better, but still conjures up images of school, which can make us feel small. Even if it is a cliché, it is best to frame mistakes as opportunities. Doing so means that the person who made the mistake still has agency – to learn and do better.
Our culture of self-optimisation and the ideal versions of ourselves that we communicate on social media make it harder to admit mistakes. Too often, being wrong is seen as a weakness and as a risk to our reputation and image, for some even to their position in public life. But a big ego is often just a weak ego, and the truth is that “fessing up” is a sign of strength and self-confidence. There is a good chance that whoever we admit our mistake to – again, without hedging or being evasive – will not show the reaction we fear. In the long run, acknowledging that we are wrong on occasion and showing “intellectual humility” will build trust in private, workplace and public relationships.
So next time someone points out that you got it wrong, pause a moment, make eye contact and calmly admit to it. It may be a positive surprise for both of you.
